About a year ago, I decided I would start counting calories to see if it would help me lose weight. I have been overweight or obese since I was in elementary school. Over the past 15 years or so, I have been fairly physically active. I ran consistently, played basketball, hiked, cycled, but never really lost weight. It didn't take long to figure out why. After setting up an account on myfitnesspal.com and entering a couple of days worth of calories, I found that I had usually used my day's worth of calories by lunch, even taking exercise into account. A morning fritter and a fast food lunch racked up calories pretty fast. So I started eating breakfast at home. I either took a lunch to work or came home for lunch. When I did eat out, I would lean towards less fatty food and I would bring food home rather than finish it at the restaurant. I took smaller portions, especially of dessert. I carefully tracked calories. As I lost weight, I found I could exercise more. I started training for the Riverton half marathon. By decreasing my calories and increasing my exercise, I started really losing weight. My goal was to get down around 200 pounds. I am at 176 now. If I go by body fat percentage rather than BMI, I am no longer overweight.
For the first time that I can remember in my life, I am not overweight.
Now I am faced with keeping the weight off. I can say that I have made some significant changes in habits that should help, but there are two things that I have noticed that I suspect will make it easy to fall back into old patterns if I am not diligent.
The first is that, when I look in the mirror, I don't look any different at 176 than I did at 230. I understand women who lose weight and still obsess over looking fat. There is an abundance of physical evidence that I don't look the same. None of my cloths come even close to fitting. I have gone from a 42 waist to a 34. But I see myself in the mirror every day so the change was very slow and subtle. So, when I look in the mirror, I look the same. This can be pretty frustrating. It doesn't appear to me that I have changed and I really miss my morning fritter. It would be very easy to slip back into that old bad habit. I think I will need to keep some of my old clothes around for a wile so that I can put them on and see that evidence that I truly have changed.
The second is that being overweight was part of my identity. First and foremost, I was an archetype of a particular kind of computer programmer. It was how I was supposed to look for the role I played in life. In addition, I was a "fat guy who ran". I was a "fat guy who skied". These made me a little unusual. Maybe a little special. Now I'm just a guy who runs, just a guy who skis. To keep the weight off, I need to replace the "fat guy" part of my identity with something else. So I have transitioned from being a guy who runs to being a runner. (I don't have enough money to become a skier.) There is a difference. A guy who runs goes out in the morning or on weekends and runs. A runner participates in organized events. A runner doesn't just go out and run, he trains. This takes up time. But without that next event, without that training schedule, without that piece of identity to replace "fat guy," I know I will fall back into old habits.
Both of these challenges were a big surprise. I am doing my best to find ways to overcome them. My last physical attests to the value of getting my weight under control. I just need to overcome my own perceptions and the pieces of my identity that have been established over 46 years. Should be a piece of cake. A small piece of cake. With maybe just one scoop of ice cream.
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